TV Guide: Christmas Day 2018

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  It’s Christmas, so you can now watch TV at your parents’ house without the fear of the TV licence people threatening you with a lethal injection unless you pay. If you can’t be bothered to channel hop or Google what’s on, I’ve done the research for you. You’re welcome. 

My Neighbour Totoro- 12.45, Film4 

Before you ask, yes it’s the English dub. You won’t be forced to read subtitles whilst already drunk at noon. If you’ve never watched a Studio Ghibli film before, shame on you. If you have, gather as many of your younger family members together to teach them what good film is while their minds are still malleable.

Arthur Christmas- 13.45pm, Channel 4

If J.J Abrams directed a Christmas film, this would probably be it.

The Jungle Book- 3.10pm, BBC One 

It’s the 2016 version before you get excited. Worth a watch if you haven’t seen it before. Other than the fact it’s aesthetically pleasing and has the most disturbing orangutang king scene there’s not much to it.

Monsters, Inc- 4.10pm, ITV

Obviously, you’ve seen it a million times before, but now you can watch it drunk and carb loaded.

Elf- 5.40pm, ITV2

It’s amazing to think people watch this film more religiously than they go to church at Christmas.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York- 5.40, Channel 4

You’ve seen it before, but now you can watch it with a thousand ad breaks.

Kevin meets his final form.

Christmas University Challenge- 6:05, BBC Two

A really good catalyst for the inevitable Christmas row. Weed out the intellectually inferior in the household, rip into Paxman, laugh at the contestants who look like they’ve never felt sunlight. Yeah, you’re a terrible person.

Captain America: The First Avenger- 6.35pm, Film4

Another great Christmas row starter. Is Marvel better than DC? Yes. Is Marvel just formulaic, easily marketable trash? Yes. Am I going to waste an hour and a half watching this on the messiah’s birthday? Obviously.

Jurassic World- 7.45pm, ITV2

Unfortunately, it doesn’t feature our Lord and saviour Jeff, but Bryce Dallas makes up for it.

The Great British Bake Off- 8pm, Channel 4

Liam has returned. All I’m saying.

The festive vibe is slightly ruined when you realise this must have been filmed during the heatwave before Noel cut all his hair off.

Rush Hour- 9.15pm, ITV4

One of Jackie Chan’s finer works. Easy viewing for the heavily intoxicated.

The Devil Wears Prada- 9.15pm, Channel 4

Princess Mia does work experience for Meryl Streep. If you don’t love this film we can’t be friends.

The Silence of the Lambs- 11.20pm, ITV4

Now the kids have gone to bed it’s time for some genuinely good cinema. Shun anyone who doesn’t love Jodie Foster from the family immediately.

Don’t fancy watching any of this? Check out the Radio Times where I lifted all this information from. Happy viewing!